Well I am resting. I am starting to find what this word/thing/day/practice and what I hope to become a lifestyle of keeping the Sabbath really means. But first like I have done in the previous conversations I will let you in on what I am listening to:
Now that you know this we can get on with what I am thinking(don't be mad this is my blog, what did you expect?) This book "The Rest of God" by Mark Buchanan: is offering me a view of rest that I have never found before. This is fresh. But go figure, everything Mark is talking about is not that deep. Things like truly realizing how big God is, How we MUST stop compromising our sin, being still and quiet. Things that most people do, just not often. I am learning what this thing called Sabbath really means and looks like. My time alone with God was so shallow so meaningless. I never rested in Him. I never slowed down.
My newest adventure has become just that, rest. Sounds odd I know(especially since I look forward to this week and I see nothing on the schedule.) But there is so much more to resting in God, so much more to the Sabbath. I don't really know what all this means, it's just what is going on in my simple(but I make complicated) life. I have faith in God but before these last couple of weeks I tried to do so much on my own, which puts a restraint on how much faith I can truly have in God.
-thanks for reading, although I'm not fully sure any of that made since(now I'm rambling, but like before it's my blog I do what I want)
Love Loudly..Live Graciously..Be Conversational.. Rest Adoringly
Well what I should be doing right now is studying for an exam I have in my Isaiah class(a book in the Bible for those who don't know). But we all know how studying goes when your not really motivated to do anything. All my friends have just left me, a majority of those I wont really ever see again, other than those few weddings that we happen to stumble upon. It's weird though, I'm not to upset. I guess that could be bad but the guys I am closest to I know I will see again, I am upset the other guys are out of my life but I just wasn't close to them, is it my fault that I didn't get close to them? I like to think that I opened myself up to everybody but only few chose to open up to me, I get frustrated a lot because people just assume I am not an intellectual(although I am not the smartest guy out there). There were a couple guys that were friends but they always had the same conversation with me, music-relationships-sports, things of that nature. But not once did we have a deep conversation, that upsets me, I love carrying on deep intellectual conversations(even if I don't understand it I learn something from those conversations) I guess the only things I regret from knowing those people is that I didn't take the time to have those conversations.
Either way they're gone. And yes I will miss them, to an extent(that sounds so bad, but true). I will say the fishing trips with my best friends will mean so much more, simply because I wont be living with them and seeing them everyday, so the times we are together will be a reunion.
Well I am done being a sappy little girl, so in order to compensate I will leave you with a clip from the manliest movie ever.....300, and I may go grill out some steaks because that is what men do, and I'm going to buy a truck.
Well, it happened again, someone got lost on this huge thing called the internet(which seems to be taken over our conversational life)and found my blog. If that's you, thanks for actually reading. I feel like I should post a mister Rogers(God rest his sole) video clip, simply because it sounds like something he would say to people when his show came on.
It's crazy to think about the friends I have right now and where they will be in like 8-10 years. There are some amazingly gifted people around me, like people who are absolutely incredible at music and others who are phenomenal at making movies and others that are amazing at simply loving people. When you all become Mr.(or Ms/Mrs.) big time, just remember me. I have friends now that I know I will be serving Christ with for the rest of my life, I know it because I want their support and they want mine. Friendships have become one of my greatest loves and passions, although I am very good at messing them up.
I can't believe that my life from now on is going to be about making relationships and simply loving on people, thank you God for this passion.
Again, if I had a drink I would make another toast, " Here's to hoping I don't screw that up"(although I fully expect to...but luckily WHEN I do, grace has stepped in and covered it.) Love Loudly..Live Graciously..Be Conversational..(I'll let you fill in anymore)
First, I think I might let you in on what I'm listening to:
I had to get back to my true roots, I don't listen to country but I must say Nickel Creek could be the sweetest thing to happen to country music, I'm a fan.
Second, sorry that this is my first post since late January.(since no one really reads this I guess I am apologizing to myself for starting something and not following up with it)
There is so much going on right now, I have what could be the most amazing summer/year coming up. I am starting an internship at Traders Point Christian Church, in Indianapolis, Indiana...I will be studying under someone that I find to be one of the most loving and most dynamic ministers I know. But beyond anything I am going to be in a new place, I think this year will be when I truly begin to develop who I am, I am beginning to understand who I am but I think I will really find what God is calling me to. With every good thing there comes a little bad, since I am taking my senior year of college off, that means I now have a week to see some people for the last time. I think it is really starting to catch up to me, the fact that I have been around some of these guys for 3 years and now it's done. I don't really know how to react, I'm happy I have their friendship but I may never see them again after we break. I guess we are all together in Christ, but still I'm going to miss those guys so much.
On a different note, I realized today sitting in a little community of Christ followers that I have become a person of little faith. I am sitting there thinking about my internship, the friends who are leaving, and a relationship that I have tried to take over myself(without God's guidance) and all of the sudden it hits me, I honestly felt sick to my stomach. For a man, who has felt called to be doing ministry in some since, this is the worst feeling. The past few years I have been preparing sermons by my words(of course the spirit is involved) but I have been feeling all the pressure is on me. The relationship I tried to force has come to a point where times feel awkward. Of course I have moments where I feel God is guiding me, but I got into the mode of choosing my own path and then letting God work according to my choice. I cried today.
It's funny how you can be completely blinded by your own misunderstandings. I thought I was doing things alright, I thought my relationship with God was good, not great, but good. Yet I haven't fallen to my knees in prayer for the longest time. This is the first sign of faith, when you can fall to your knees and ask God to guide your every move, your letting go of a lot. I prayed that I could change or that He could change me. Relationally, I have screwed up many of times, but I prayed that things would change. I prayed for conversations. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for faith. I lost so much by doing things on my own, if I have lost your friendship(whoever you are)I am sorry, I want it back desperately.
If I had a drink I would make a toast to new beginnings. "Here's to an incredible internship, wonderful friends, a friendship I hope will blossom into more, a life of eager anticipation, a life controlled by God, faith big enough to move mountains." **oh and maybe a 8 pound largemouth bass on the other end of the line**
Love Loudly..Live Graciously..Be Conversational..(why not) Let God guide your life, it will be better than you can imagine
It's official, I have fans(well maybe not fans but people that just want to see how bad I write, either way I am not typing for myself.) This is the first post in such a long time, I guess being in school and having more important people in my life contributes, and for that I can't apologize. This past week was crazy. I told someone I care about very deeply things I have done in my past(this is never a good thing). The reason I told her everything was because it was something that she needed to know. I have never told anyone something and immediately they started to cry. It was like US Army lined up in front of me and in unison all kicked me in the place no guy wants to be kicked. For the next 30 minutes I could say nothing, I was ashamed. It took until sharing this for me to feel bad about what I have done. It was miserable. I tried to explain to her that if I could go back in time and change it, I would just for her. But I can't and that's what was getting to me. Oddly though I preached a sermon on God's love for us, and how we don't need to prove to him that we love him all he wants is for us to BELIEVE he already loves us. So I'm preaching this sermon and realize that the same sort of thing applies to my conversation. I know Kristin cares for me, deeply, I know this because she expresses it to me. But just like I know God still loves me with this amazing love that can't be described, I still fail him. But that doesn't mean His love stops, and when I sin I need to prove that I still love him. I screwed up in my past, Kristin knows this now, but that doesn't mean she stops caring for me, and it doesn't mean I need to prove how sorry how I am, she knows. We are sinful beings. This doesn't mean the people and the God that loves us stops caring for us. It's upsetting, but not an end to a relationship. This week was crazy ups and downs but in the end I have found myself back in the middle. Love Loudly..Live Graciously.. Be Conversational
Many times I wonder what it is exactly I am doing with my life. I started my college career planning on majoring in youth ministry, which basically means I wanted to hang out with kids for the rest of my life. Now I changed my mind to adult ministry, which now means I want to hang out with people my age and older. I know I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a minister, and you better believe I am looking foreword to working with people as well as teaching. But these questions continue to arise, what will I be doing?
It is ironic however, in my questioning I begin to become more and more excited. In the absence of my knowledge my imagination begins to take over. And the imagination is something that has been over looked in today's society. When I think back to when I was a kid I can remember dreaming and doing what kids do(things like building a box fort. A fort made of simple large boxes, and playing for hours.) Our imagination, as kids, overwhelmed our lives. But in today's society we lose so much mystery because we have to know everything, if we fail then we go to school for a much longer time to try and find the answers.
In the mystery of my future I find great joy, because it simply reminds me I am not in control and that in the mystery I will find my answers.
